I was cleaning and found some songs that my BFF from high school and I wrote. Even many moons ago music was in my heart and I thought one day Mary J. or Mariah would sing one of my songs... so I wanted to share one of them I am not sure of the exact year but I was about 17 when I wrote this (I think) and I used the word I or I'll many times, even then I thought I could be superwoman in a relationship...

It’s been so long since I’ve been touched by love

I’ve forgotten what it’s caress feels like

All I know is when I rest my head and go to sleep at night

It is you I see behind my eyes

Everything happened so fast, the way I feel for you

Once you walked through the door I knew that what I felt was new

You made me shudder with no touch

I went crazy wanting you so much

No mans made me feel so sure, I know I want just what you’ve got

Baby the ball is in your court so please don’t miss this shot

We’d be so good together, no one can give you what I’ve got

We’d be so good together, I’ll love you from now and never stop

We’d be so good together, I’ll take away all of your fears

We’d be so good together, my loves so good It’ll bring you to tears

We’d be so good...

From one day to the next is filled with visions of you

I just wish that those dreams where reality of us two 

You can tell me anything and whisper all your fantasies

We can do everything, I’ll fulfill all your hopes and dreams

Just tell me where it hurts and I’ll kiss it

If your hearts been broken I’ll put it back together I’ll fix it

Your more than what I want, you’re what I need and so much more

My hearts been through so much pain It’s time it got picked up off the floor

We’d be so good together, no one can give you what I’ve got

We’d be so good together, I’ll love you from now and never stop

We’d be so good together, I’ll take away all of your fears

We’d be so good together, my loves so good It’ll bring you to tears

We’d be so good...

Lately when I’m breathing out comes your name

Since your fresh air blew in my life things just haven’t been the same

I never thought I’d find all I want in one man but I’ve found them in you

Just tell me what you want cause I know that I want you 

I want you to just tell me you want me too

cause we’d...

...be so good together, no one can give you what I’ve got

We’d be so good together, I’ll love you from now and never stop

We’d be so good together, I’ll take away all of your fears

We’d be so good together, my loves so good It’ll bring you to tears

We’d be so good...

Today is the 23rd and I felt like writing but couldn't think of what I wanted to write so I picked 23 things people do not know about me... 

I am seriously a hopeless romantic.  Sappy love stories make me smile on the inside even if I look hard on the outside.

 I opened my car door and hit the car next to me by mistake and left a small mark...four days ago, and I am pretty sure I said “hello” to the woman whose car it was as she left the post office.

 When I say something, then walk away and hear laughing, I think people are laughing at me.

 There are people I am only nice to because I do not want to be alone.

 I do not like stupid conversations with stupid people.  It makes me extremely angry.

 I have been so exhausted in the morning that I secretly wish I would fall just so I do not have to keep running during PT (Phsyical Training for you civilians).

 I feel ashamed when I drink alcohol around my daughter, for some reason I feel like she is judging me.

 Sometimes when I am making lunch for myself, I do not want to because I do not feel like making lunch for anyone else.

 I am terrified that having a baby will change my marriage.

 I do not feel good about being part of a process that changes the future of a soldier forever.

 I HATE going to baby showers (I love you moms).

 If people around me are not happy it has a profound effect on me.

 I love little people so much because they are brutally honest and adult are usually liars.

 In some ways I feel like when Rev Williams spoke the words to us, “you will never be blessed”, it worked.

 I am so competitive at times I do not care who loses.

 I do not think my husband likes doing photo shoots with me.

 I have started about five books and haven’t finished reading any of them.

 I want to write music.

 I care about what happens to people, even if I cannot stand them.

 I think that people that post on Facebook, Twitter or any form of social media all day long are extremely annoying.

 I wish I had given birth to Mecca Gordon.

I have so many clothes that I look at pictures and do not know where  certain items are or even remember having them.

I am terrified about starting over again...

How have I gone this long...I have missed being in this space!

I have thought about what I want to say and it has overwhelmed my brain for so long that  instead of something, I did nothing

I will never leave you again

My words found a home here and I abandoned it, left it without an occupant, vacant

I have instead filled my head and heart with it's contents and I need to release

I can't sleep and the words are filling up in me

They come in the form of love, pain, anger, relief...peace

Today I will start over, share a part of me and try to spread a little love in between

I will be me and no one else...ready, set, GO!

Black and Mild

Black and Mild

Cool breeze after 90 degrees

Rain washing away my strain

He's gone for a couple of days, just me

until a little after three

Precious moments alone usually not comforting

I am afraid of being alone, more time to think

It's a quiet storm and it's washing away the stink

I read my book and I am able to concentrate

I watch the palm trees blow in the breeze

I start to feel something creep up in me

This weather make me want him in between my knees

For the first time in days I feel so deliciously at ease

No work, no chatter incessantly

Hennessy, Hot Tamales, no electricity...just me

Remember Me...

Remember me? I am the one you promised to love and cherish

It’s me who inspired two hundred love letters in one year

The one for whom you vowed to perish

Did you forget that I am the one who faithfully waited for you

I am still here, the one who would go down for you

Remember me? The one who bled for you

Did you forget the promises the promises made to me

Did you seek to drain me dry and test your lies

I am clean of trust and dirty from the pain

I remember the dream of you and me

Remember me? I am the one you lied to

It’s me, not the one who you desired

The one for whom you broke in her moment of need

Did you forget that I am the one who breathes for you

Remember me, for you I will die everyday

Remember this... on my knees, drunk from envy and unclean from her touch

Remember me? The one in the cold with you

Did you forget the promises the promises made to me

Did you seek to drain me dry and test your lies

I am clean of trust and dirty from the pain

I remember the dream of you and me

It has always been me, here testing the theory of perfection

trusting that God will make us whole

Remember me, “black love”

Remember me, my first oral fixation

I am here where are you?

Why wont you love me...the way I need to be loved?

Remember me?

Something new...

I am so petulant, I hate waiting

Blood pressure is escalating

I am fucking raging

Drunk with pain from my swelling brain

Finally exultant when things go as they should

Why can’t folks perform as believers would

Who are we? How did we get here?

No worries, no cares

Just disrespect, vicious words and obscene stares

Why are humans so selfish full of hate

I am not a paragon nor do I do exactly what is written

I too, am still working hard to seal my fate

On a journey of right-ing my wrongs

Cleaning up after me

I pray for everyone else's revelry

Once they discover the power of their dreams

Despondency, I cannot let the plight of the world destroy me

We must to do this together, it is much larger

then just you and me

Let the dubious attitude go

and dream, DREAM of being free!

In the Morning...

I am waking in my dream and were nothing is what it seems

Everything is quiet at first, then I hear, my eyes are open but I can’t see

Voices become clearer from the room next to me

I am a little confused and disoriented, where am I?

Then it hits me...I am AWAKE! Oh hell and I am still in Iraq!

Me dream quickly fades away and I already forgot what it is about

I inhale, exhale, close my eyes already attempting to drown out

the voices

Decisions decisions...do I work out now or later?

Later...definitely later.

Walking to breakfast? Nope, I will eat cereal!

Five more minutes I need five more minutes...but I have to pee.

I sigh, pull myself up, slip on my Crocs and open the door and close my eyes

I am not ready for the sun yet, my eyes are slits as I stumble to the bathroom

Praying all the way that I do not run into the darn T-Walls or Hesco Berries as Brownie would say...dang I miss Brownie

I finally make it to the latrine...for you humans that is code for “bathroom”

For over 200 days now I have urinated standing up

Some bitches are nasty

I am still not fully awake and at 0600 it is already approaching 100 degrees

About 25 percent of the energy I do not even have yet is depleted

The sun took it and ran away

I wash my hands, I FINALLY open my eyes look at myself Smile and say

“Hello luuvaah, let’s make this money, Momma want’s a new Gucci bag!”