Short and Sweet

knock knock

whose there?

me

me who?

me wan-go home.

Ramblings of my love...

Tiffany Gordon

Wife 4 life

3: I love you

3: I dream you

3: I need you...

I have been alone with nothing but my own thoughts for over FOR-TY minutes and all I have wanted to write was how much I love you and I am thankful for your intimacy and delicacy with my heart. I dream when I am awake...of us, and it is always in color, the only black and white is you and me, no demons, no darkness, just love, embracing, love making, joy. My skin is sensitive to your touch only, butterflies dance in my stomach, I smile even as I write this...reminiscing about you and me. You keep me strong, with each heart beat, it is to the sound of your name. Our first time was my last time, I wish I knew, to document the scene, in my mind is only you and me... Thank you for changing your history and letting me in, you never tried to rewrite me and you let me be who I be. I wouldn’t want to laugh over some “nigga-pie” with anyone but you. I only want to write new chapters with you, create new music to our sound and dance to our rhythm. Your patience is unparalleled, your sweetness is my weakness, I drink you in and now I am always drunk!! Now I lay me down to sleep and thank him, for you. I am so glad that I didn’t have to ride off from Ma V’s yelling “watch our for ya son!” ...

and the oscar goes to...

I am a terrific actor.

i get up and look at myself and act like i am ok with how my hair looks

i walk to work and smile, salute and laugh when i really want to cry

on a good day i dont have to act and i do not have to pretend to be listening

most days are good, but when i need to act, i can fuckin' act

i am a good damn actor

i act like i am listening but i stare at the wall

i act like i am engaged but your voice just gets lower and lower

i practice conversations before they happen so i do not have to think

i am tired of thinking, “what if?” and “when?”

i do not know the future but i know i am a fabulous actor

i won’t allow myself a minute of being alone with my thoughts because a monster creeps in

i dream in color in the dark, but never remember anything but the colors

i take a deep breath, smile and open the door and walk outside

time to start pretending...one day closer to being home again.

In the dark....

Some moments are foreign to me, outside of myself

Cannot convey with emotions or feelings... it is non-descriptive, well at least not with one word

Not joy, not pain, intense, fear, love, hate...just silence

A void, a space where smiles should be

A part of me is missing

I find it impossible to keep my eyes closed

that is when the devil visits me

That is where peace should be

When I open my eyes I feel an emptiness

I put in my earphones wanting for love to fill my head

all the lyrics feel wrong, just space, then just words I wish I wrote

I lay here and wonder if God is listening or just tired of the same prayers

I ask, am I be cursed, to feel so deeply?

I can use all the words to describe what is missing

but not what is here in front of me

As I form words nothing spills from my mouth

I can see them in my head moving through a tunnel

I go to write and I nothing is making sense

There in that tunnel is a light, I can see it but seem to never reach it

I am tired of walking towards it

I guess I better start running ! I am good at that...

R & R

Milano, Italy

Barcelona, Spain

Well the posting of pics is not going so well and the Internet here is BEYOND bad, and I am increasingly getting frustrated, so I will leave this post short and sweet! We had a wonderful time and I saw beauty all around me. If you spend another moment on this earth without planning a trip abroad, please do not waste another second! There is so much more than our little slice of the pie, so much more than Iraq, more than New York...I love our country, but I see God in all these places not just our continent. I pray that you all get to experience such joy and see some our world, it is simply amazing and breathtakingly beautiful...

Four months and counting...

My first three weeks has now turned into four months...wow how time flies when you aren’t having fun, LOL!! OK OK it is not that bad!!! It appears I have a real heightened sense of smell in Iraq. I am always close my eyes and see if I can smell any familiar smells...besides the overwhelming smell of feces in the air! Yes, SHIT, that is a norm here, even though that is anything BUT normal. When we used to run outside a lot I would get nauseous so much that I began to wake up nauseous before even leaving my room. However, on a more happy note some soldiers were barbecuing today and it smelled fantastic, I closed my eyes, took in the aroma, pictured LeBaron on the patio grilling and I enjoyed that moment very much. There are the little things I have learned to take pleasure in, like seeing a butterfly...I thought that was amazing. At that moment I was caressed by God with the gift of a butterfly, it even waited for me to snap a picture. Then there are the foxes, I love to see animals of any kind since we do not get to take pleasure in household pets that many of us love. I never really thought about how much we would be giving up when we came to this place. Our canvass is bare, there is no color here, I walked with my head either always looking at the blue sky with it’s various shades as the day goes on or I am staring at the ground because there are so many rocks and I am clumsy. It is sometimes as if we are in a picture with out a scene, it lacks depth here, life, substance... I never expected to miss loud music playing in a car going by, children in the street, neighbors dog barking, a car door slamming, trees, grass, walking Hip Hop (even in the rain), snow, cooking, rainbows, snoring, washing dirty clothes...

I value people that I left behind more and cherish the gift of Love in a different way than I ever have before. Even the people that make my head throb are a source of entertainment, I can laugh at the absurdity of the violations of the many rules we must follow while we are here and I am reminded daily that God has an extremely great sense of humor! I thought when I started this journey and this blog that I would have so much to report about this place, but really I do not! What IS extraordinary about being here are the people and what comes out of each of us while we are here. At first I complained about not knowing anyone and how I wish I had gotten to know everyone so I would not have felt so lonely and been so insecure around them. What I have realized is that being here in this situation I get to see people for who they truly are... and what they are capable of and unfortunately lot of what I see I do not like, so now I realized how blessed I am that I don’t have to “break-up” with folk while I am here, since I had nothing vested in them in the first place. I can read about them in a legal packet, listen to their incessant chatter, watch who they form meaningless relationships with, hear how they talk behind other peoples back, hear how they cheat on their husbands and wives or painfully talk to them for 5 minutes and I walk away, literally walk away. Someone here said to me “ I am picky who I spend my time with...” and I couldn’t agree more.

Two Time

Get your head out the past girl

Get your head right love

You say you Love him and you are Not giving up

You say you Want him 4evah but keep Hurting him

Stop hitting rewind, and hit fast forward.

Stop saying it, and just do it

It would take less time to hurt

It would be better if you do better

Get up and put our arms around him

Get up and jump up and down about him

Would it be so hard to forgive

Would it be so bad to trust through the pain

Get her outta your head

Get her outta your bed

Smile at him and tell him that you are ready again

Smile with your eyes and say it again

Whisper in his ear “I need you...”

Whisper in his other ear “I feel safe again”

Put down his phone and pick up the bible

Put away your laptop before you check the e-mail

Wake up and stop having nightmares and instead

Wake up from your dreaming

Work on a better you

Work on The Truth

Do not let it injure you beyond repair

Do not let it define you

If you decided to stay, then play

If you decided to stay, then fight

Fight for Love, Fight for your man...fight for you

Fucking FIGHT!