Expectations.

What are our expectations of each other or should we have any? Is it just better to look at the moments we have with each other as pockets of momentary bliss? Do we expect to much of one another?? Should we expect that when we call, e-mail or text our friends that they respond?? Is it too “clingy” or “needy”? Where do we draw lines at what is an expectation, and what is a natural state of “being”? I know I am asking a lot of questions but I am seeking lots of answers. I have learned that friendship it is different for a myriad of people. However, there are those main ingredients in all relationships that many of us falter on. Many fall short and I have learned your “friends” will blame you for their inadequacies. They will remove you from their “fav five” and move on. When we make friends should we tell them that we have expectations or should we not have any at all and hope that what we get is worth keeping? I am learning to not expect anyone to be anything but who they are. It is easier to just cultivate the real friends I have and love the others from afar. I can only try to live up to my expectations that I sought in others and pray I am doing a good job AND try to learn from my mistakes as well as from others. I have had almost a year of being in the “wilderness”, being alone... at times feels like jail. This has been a time of reflection, a time of aloneness that I did not expect (there goes that word again). I have had expectations of people that may be selfish, but at the same time realistic so I do dot give in to half-heartedness. So finally, the last question I have asked myself is “do I expect too much?” and the answer is...”hell no”, I will not be sorry for wanting my friends to be in my corner, to care about me, to say “hello” or make an effort, for me, those are not expectations those are main ingredients!

Maryann & Jinjaah

Thank you for being my friend. My BFFL. My rock. Thank you for listening to me cry when I know you didn’t understand half of what I said. Thank you for trusting me to love your children. Thank you for listening to me complain. You are the reason that I still believe in friendship. You are the one. I am forever grateful for you. You have given me gift of beauty wrapped in three. Thank you for your patience. Thank you for never leaving me. Thank you for doing what you say you are going to do. You know me. Some of my favorite memories are with you. I appreciate you loving me for me, that can be tough. :0) I am a better person because of you. You make me want to be a better wife, mother and friend. Thank you for letting me watch what I want on TV, for watching my precious Hop even though he has Horrifying breathe. Thank you for not sleeping with my husband (that seems to be a trend of BFF’s) LOL and thank you for trusting me around yours. I have never seen my future were there is no you and I can not imagine my life with no you! You are the truth. If I had an all girl singing group I would never make you sing back-up all the time. Your an amazing woman, wife and mother. Thank you for being you. I love you more than all the memory on every computer in the entire world (including the memory cards)!!

The First Time...

The first time ever I saw your face... I thought the sun rose in your eyes. I was moved to tears. You took my breathe away, my pain ceased, there was just serenity in that space where there was no you. I knew and felt the meaning of “you had me at hello”. I am now responsible for a new life, the beginning of joy. Little hands and feet that will brush against my face, the sweet smell of you. My Love...and the first time ever I lay with you...I am scared to hurt you, crush you, break you. How have I lived this long with no you, a piece of me was broken not knowing when you would come. We will cherish you, put you first, we will be selfless to keep you safe...songs will be written about you, poems dedicated to you and pictures created with your image. The first time I ever saw your face was in my dreams, it was the one I will never forget. I can close my eyes and replay the sight of you in my arms, at my breast, smiling. I am mesmerized by the tiny you God has created in his image. I am in love again, I need two hearts, it won’t all fit. First time ever I saw your face I melt away, I forget that I thought it would never happen, that I thought I was cursed, that I ached for you ever day. You smell sweet, better than fresh baked chocolate chips or macaroni and cheese, your the new Thanksgiving, my Merry Christmas and Happy New Year. The first time I ever saw your face I said Thank you God ... for trusting me take care of your child.

Carelessness...

Why are we so careless with our love. We give it away freely, to another, when we neglect our husbands and wives. We let other other people sleep in our beds while our spouses are away. We get tangled up in a web we can not break free from until everything we have is teetering on a fence on which both sides means death. Death of a marriage, demise of family, you are killing your spirit and possibly career, many things are on the brink of destruction. WHY are we so CARELESS with our love. I watch many people inching closer and closer to the person they should be running from. I see potential harm looming in the horizon am I destined to fear the future because of the past. Some say it's not gonna be, I would never... bullshit. I stopped looking so I won’t see what’s coming and maybe they won’t crash into each other maybe they will be what each other needs in an innocent way. Friends? Maybe. Lovers? Indefinitely? Yes, not infidelity, indefinitely...meaning it usually does not last. Why do we do it, murder each other, give our love away. The person who needs it, deserves it, works hard to keep it, ends up choked up, screaming, in pain, devastated. Some lose rank, others lose sleep, their sanity and meanwhile all is takes is a moment...there is always that moment, that second...”do I answer the call?”, “do I go to their house?”, “do I take my tongue out of their mouth?”, “ take my panties off?”, how about what happens before all of that...”do I start a relationship with this...person?”. Maybe we need to learn to stop it before it starts...why the hell we keep being so careless with our love??? It starts with a look, inappropriate banter, touching & kissing and the next thing you know it your naked. But not really, there is always a MOMENT and second, minute, days...but it is there, it’s always a before and then an after...We have to stop being so careless with our love, stop giving it away. We have to stop being so quick to open our hearts, minds or even just our pants to the wrong one...the destroyer.

My First Three Weeks...

Today I saw a really short person and for a second I thought "what is a kid doing here in Iraq?", my heart actually skipped a beat, I was happy, there was a moment of normalcy. We actually were in a normal place, where there are children and there must be some sort of bring your children to work day, not just bring your M16 to work day, all of this happened in a split second. I reeled myself back in and I looked at the faces of the soldiers to see if I was the only one that had a moment of clarity (or should I say non-clarity since I was obviously seeing little people). Anyway, this is what it is like on a day to day basis for me, I look at every single thing, people, cars, buildings, food and try to find something normal about this place so I will not go crazy.

What usually happens is I find that this isn't normal, you don't have to carry around weapons EVERY place you go, you do not walk around on rocks in a desert everyday, it's not constantly dark, you do not have to get out of your bed at night, put on shoes, go outside to a trailer or the "dirty box" (porta-potty) to use the latrine, you do not have to use the word latrine... I could go on but I have a whole year right?

So, am I miserable, sometimes yes, sometimes I actually feel ill when certain people talk. It is as if their existense is the opposite of mine, we are such opposites that the very feeling of being in the same room with that person makes my body physically ache. Somedays I can tune them out so well that they actually have to tell another soldier to tell me they are talking to me. I am never alone except for a few hours at night while my roommate sits outside for hours with men that she can't tell her husband about. I think that she is wrong, but I am happy because that means I can be alone. I am selfish. Sometimes. LOL.

Other times I am happy like when I can finally talk to my LB for more than 20 minutes with out Skype acting a damn fool. Or when I am eating my favorite Chocolate Chip muffin from the DFAC (dining facility)!! Oh and when I run four miles and finally feel like I am not going to die, when I can get on the internet successfully and talk to family and friends and send this e-mail! When I pray, watch Grey's Anatomy (which takes me an entire day to download), and when I can see my Godchild (even though she looked like a scary movie) on Skype.

I just wanted to share a little I have not been communicating much, and to be honest it is simply because I didn't want to ( I told you I am selfish. Sometimes.) you know my excuse what's yours???? LOL. But seriously I had to go through what I needed to and the way I was feeling the first couple of weeks you wouldn't want to hear from me anyway! LOL, so from time to time I will share, I will tell you about my experiences here and I hope you will tell me about yours.