Today I saw a really short person and for a second I thought "what is a kid doing here in Iraq?", my heart actually skipped a beat, I was happy, there was a moment of normalcy. We actually were in a normal place, where there are children and there must be some sort of bring your children to work day, not just bring your M16 to work day, all of this happened in a split second. I reeled myself back in and I looked at the faces of the soldiers to see if I was the only one that had a moment of clarity (or should I say non-clarity since I was obviously seeing little people). Anyway, this is what it is like on a day to day basis for me, I look at every single thing, people, cars, buildings, food and try to find something normal about this place so I will not go crazy.
What usually happens is I find that this isn't normal, you don't have to carry around weapons EVERY place you go, you do not walk around on rocks in a desert everyday, it's not constantly dark, you do not have to get out of your bed at night, put on shoes, go outside to a trailer or the "dirty box" (porta-potty) to use the latrine, you do not have to use the word latrine... I could go on but I have a whole year right?
So, am I miserable, sometimes yes, sometimes I actually feel ill when certain people talk. It is as if their existense is the opposite of mine, we are such opposites that the very feeling of being in the same room with that person makes my body physically ache. Somedays I can tune them out so well that they actually have to tell another soldier to tell me they are talking to me. I am never alone except for a few hours at night while my roommate sits outside for hours with men that she can't tell her husband about. I think that she is wrong, but I am happy because that means I can be alone. I am selfish. Sometimes. LOL.
Other times I am happy like when I can finally talk to my LB for more than 20 minutes with out Skype acting a damn fool. Or when I am eating my favorite Chocolate Chip muffin from the DFAC (dining facility)!! Oh and when I run four miles and finally feel like I am not going to die, when I can get on the internet successfully and talk to family and friends and send this e-mail! When I pray, watch Grey's Anatomy (which takes me an entire day to download), and when I can see my Godchild (even though she looked like a scary movie) on Skype.
I just wanted to share a little I have not been communicating much, and to be honest it is simply because I didn't want to ( I told you I am selfish. Sometimes.) you know my excuse what's yours???? LOL. But seriously I had to go through what I needed to and the way I was feeling the first couple of weeks you wouldn't want to hear from me anyway! LOL, so from time to time I will share, I will tell you about my experiences here and I hope you will tell me about yours.
